“My partner seems afraid of me, even though I’ve never hurt him.”

 

“My partner says she doesn’t feel much when we make love.”

 

“Sometimes my partner suddenly looks like he’s so angry he’s ready to kill me.”

 

“My partner has so many things she won’t tell me about her past.”

 

For those who have been abused, as a child or an adult, entering into an intimate relationship is an act of tremendous courage. Becoming close to someone can bring up old injuries and past betrayals. There can be flashbacks to former abuse, unexplained anger or sadness, feelings of numbness, or difficulty with commitment, trust, and faithfulness.

 

If your partner was abused, you may have many feelings about this yourself. you may want to help, but feel helpless. You may feel anger at the person or people who mistreated the one you love. You may feel impatient for the problems of the past to be over.

 

If you are worried about a relationship and you think or know that your partner was abused, there are several steps you can take. Get support for yourself through friends, counseling, or a mutual help group. Encourage your partner to do the same. He or she needs a safe, supportive, neutral place to share and vent feelings. You need independent and objective feedback to help you keep your balance when your partner is trying to deal with strong feelings from the past. Read about abuse. Get all the information you can. Don’t push your partner to take steps he or she may not be ready for. Old habits and fears don’t change quickly but they can change when the time is right. Have patience and hope and share this with your partner.