Who are you?” said the Caterpillar…
“I hardly know, Sir, just at present,” Alice replied rather shyly, “at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”
-Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Like many of our clients, Alice has doubts about her identity in an ever-changing world. She experiences change as situational without understanding the inner process of transition. Even though we know that life is full of changes, our society does not allow a mechanism to prepare for moving from one phase of life to another. Nature teaches us that change is the norm—yet, to incorporate change, we need to reorient and redefine ourselves in new situations. Without the interior work of transition, change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.

In his book Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, (2nd Ed., 2004), William Bridges says that the three phases of transition are an ending, a beginning and an important empty or fallow time in between. The first phase involves letting go of the external and internal attachments to the old way of life. Many cultures maintain rituals for clearing the mind of old memories in order to make way for a new stage of life. Our society expects us to retire or move into a new job or house without allowing time to empty ourselves so that we can be filled with dreams and new visions. We clinicians can help our clients identify their losses and grieve them appropriately. Then, we can explore the form which the client wants his or her life to take--like the potter at the wheel forming clay into a vessel without knowing how it will be filled.

Many people avoid the second phase of transition because it can be a confusing and disturbing time. Some traditions allow for this in-between zone with rituals such as sending a person off to an unfamiliar desert or forest for a time to find oneself. Moses, Buddha and Jesus spent time alone in the wilderness (Hebrew word for sanctuary) at critical times in their lives. Spending time as a non- being vessel can be more important than action. Helping clients empty themselves can allow their dreams and visions to pour in and help to shape their futures.

Some clients may choose dramatic retreats, such as one 58- year- old woman who left her job and drove to Alaska by herself after being rejected from her long term relationship. Afterwards, she said that on the trip she had enjoyed her own company proving to herself that she was, despite her ex-partner’s claims, “pretty easy to be with.” On her way home, she visited her 85- year- old mother who had never approved of her lesbian lifestyle. She and her mother resolved many aspects of their differences before her mother died.

Others may elect to stay at home in solitude and quiet, taking time for meditation, journaling and reflection. Often clients present with “I don’t know who I am,” which could be part of the confused and disoriented state of mind during this phase. The clinician can help the client decide if a life-changing event would be more effective than a sabbatical or vacation.

The final stage of transition is a new beginning. Potters say that taking the pot off the wheel and placing it on a new surface is the most difficult part of the craft. The clay has not yet hardened so it is fragile and vulnerable. Taking small steps without succumbing to “buyer’s remorse” is this stage’s challenge.

In her sixties, Ellen Burstyn inspires us on how to move into the third phase of transition. In her memoir Lessons on Becoming Myself she says that she vowed to move into the next period of her life boldly by looking at what she was afraid of and moving toward it instead of away from it. And, as Eleanor Roosevelt said “Do one thing every day that scares you.” These can be exciting times of change—let’s all take the plunge.

Grace Riddell, LCSW, LICSW, M.Ed. has a private practice in D.C. and Maryland. Currently, she is leading two women’s groups: “On Becoming Myself” and “It’s All About Change.” The group “It’s All About Change” is for lesbians and bisexual women only.