…NOT AFTER WHAT HE DID TO ME! This is one of the most frequent laments gay men discuss in counseling. It often seems like deceit and betrayal live in the shadows of our relationships, ready to pounce when we are vulnerable. How do we deal with the reality of these feelings, yet stay open to the possibility of emotional closeness?

Frequently we create obstacles to trust by overemphasizing the pursuit of individual satisfaction. Back when we burst out of the closet, many of us promised ourselves that we would never let the pursuit of our own happiness be compromised again. But when we do so to an extreme, the openness and honesty that sustain trust in relationships can get lost.

How often have we heard, “I don’t want to tell him the truth, because it would only hurt him”? On the surface, these words might appear considerate and even compassionate. In reality, they are usually patronizing, and almost always protect the withholder from facing his own actions. If we have the courage to be honest with our friends and partners up front, we have a much greater chance of building a trusting bond, even when truth hurts.

Nothing is guaranteed, even when we do everything right. We can’t invest so much of our self-esteem in a relationship that we become paralyzed if our trust is betrayed. We must learn to be secure enough to suffer the pain, and emerge strong enough to retain faith in ourselves and other men.

It can help to think of our trust as a gift. When a man has offered his trust as a gift to an other man, and the other man has betrayed him, it is the gift that has been trashed, not the giver. The giver is a person who has been able to risk being honest and vulnerable. The sadness is that the friend or partner has not been able to value the gift.

Counseling can assist individuals emerging from the pain of betrayal. It can also help couples achieve productive communication and individuals stay open to the possibility of emotional closeness.